Sunday, February 10, 2008

The Rules (According to Burt)

Whilst listening to a bit of the Bacharachster the other day, it struck me that you really could use all his song lyrics as a guide for life. Seriously. Consider the following pearls of wisdom old Burt has offered up over the years:

1. If you get caught between the moon and New York City, the best that you can do is fall in love.

I'm not exactly sure how one would get caught between the moon and New York City, but its good to remember that if one ever did, the best thing one could do would be to fall in love.

2. You'll never get to heaven if you break my heart.

Nor should you, swine. You break my heart you are heading straight to hell in a handbasket.

3. LA is a great big freeway. Put a hundred down and buy a car.

Because you sure as hell wouldn't want to walk everywhere like you do in NYC. It'd take you all day to get from A to B and there's not much that's of any interest in between.

4. All the stars that never were, are parking cars and pumping gas.

Let that be a lesson to all you celebrity wannabes who don't have much talent. Have a better fall back option. Or be ready to head back to San Jose.

5. You see this guy? This guy's in love with you.

Not with me. You. Apparently you're the one he wants. And Burt came up with that waaaay before those Sex and the City writers came up with "he's just not that into you". Who da man?

6. If you see me walking down the street and I start to cry each time we meet... walk on by.

Because its embarrassing, quite frankly. For everyone.

7. Once in your life you'll find her. Someone who turns your heart around.

I'm not quite sure which way it will be turned, but it will be turned. Just once though. She's a busy gal - got lots of hearts to turn.

8. What the world needs now is love, sweet love.

As opposed to bitter love or sour love or some other nasty tasting love.

9. Dearest darling, I had to write to say that I won't be home anymore.

I couldn't call. You might have answered the phone and that would have made for an awkward conversation. Best not to let you get a word in.

10. I just don't know what to do with myself.

Sometimes there just aren't enough rocks.*

11. The moment I wake up, before I put on my make up, I say a little prayer for you.

God doesn't listen when I've got my slap on. He likes the natural look.

12. Breaking up is so very hard to do. If you really love him and there's nothing I can do, don't try to spare my feelings, just tell me that we're through. And make it easy on yourself.

However if there is something I can do, please let me know. I can't promise I'll do it though. You did just cheat on me you know.

13. If you should find you miss the sweet and tender love we used to share, just come back to the places where we used to go and I'll be there.

Unless one of those places is Camden Market, in which case just give me a call and we'll do coffee somewhere else.

* I know we're mixing things up here, but I'm sure Burt and Forrest won't mind.


Pomgirl said...

Haha...great post. He is one very wise man!

MelbourneGirl said...

i enjoyed this. belatedly. thank you.

i think for me number 8 will never be the same after it featuring in austen powers. while i thought it was a nice touch in that movie, and it did move me (kind of sort of) now i can't even read the lyrics without seeing a man in a striped carnaby suit with thick-lensed specs and bad teeth going "do i make you horny, baby?"

Magical_M said...

Oooh. Yes. Ewwww.

I've never much cared for Mike Myers. Not since his greasy haired stoner in Wayne's World.