Nicole's Not Invited

So today I took a day off work because I'm sick with flu. No, really. I can't go two minutes without coughing up something nasty, I've been through three boxes of tissues, my throat is on fire and my head feels like its full of stuffing.

Its boring being sick. And daytime TV has really gone downhill. Its all cooking shows and talk shows and bad soaps recycling the same bad storylines. For f***'s sake - Frankie is back on Days of Our Lives. Last time Frankie was on that show was when I was a teenager (and probably so was he). He looks exactly the same, which is quite disturbing. I don't look anything like what I looked like as a teenager, and believe me that's a good thing.

The worst of today's TV though, was Entertainment Tonight. They kept banging on about Nicole Kidman's birthday and upcoming wedding.

Hey.

HEY.

It was MY birthday too yesterday ET. Why weren't you outside MY door, singing Happy Birthday through MY intercom?

HUH?

I hate sharing my birthday with Nicole Kidman. She always gets all the attention.

Next year, I'm going to throw a party with some other celebs who also probably hate sharing a birthday with Nicole Kidman.

People like:

Josh Lucas. We even share the same birth-year. And hands off ladies (and gents) - he's mine. You'll most likely find us tucked away in the corner booth going for it. So don't disturb us. Just leave the bottle of champagne on the table and sneak away.

John Goodman. He'll be MC and keep everyone entertained with funny voices. Just make sure you get a slice of cake before he gets to it.

Danny Aiello. He'll be on the door. Making sure no-one is getting in who shouldn't be getting in. Don't mess with him - he'll be packing a piece. And don't diss Hudson Hawk or you'll be outta there quicker than you can say Tommy Five-Tone.

Lionel Richie. He'll be singing of course. All the classics. Josh & I may briefly come up for air when he performs "Running With The Night". His skanky daughter may turn up and that's ok... she won't take up much room, and its unlikely she'll eat anything so there's no need to cater for her. However, if she brings along her even skankier on-again-off-again mate Paris, Danny has his orders.

Brian Wilson. He may do a couple of duets with Lionel, but he'll most likely be sitting on stage muttering and looking confused. Poor pet. Be nice to him.

Stephen Frears. He'll be filming a special doco entitled "People Who Hate Sharing Their Birthday With Nicole Kidman Because She Gets All The Attention". Don't be surprised if you're mid-conversation and he yells "CUT!" and then re-directs the way you're drinking your champagne.

And finally, just because its not fair for me to be the only woman-of-honour at the party...

Olympia Dukakis. She'll be dispensing advice, smacking people round the head, airing her political views and playing matchmaker. Just don't ask her about Michael.

Any suggestions for a venue?