Here's today's dilemma.
What does one purchase as a birthday present for one's older brother (Brutha), bearing in mind the following...
1. The sum total of time Brutha and I have spent in each other's company over the last 12 years equates to less than one month. In fact I would probably say it totals about a fortnight.
2. Brutha doesn't read. Anything. Not books (unless you count the occasional comic), not magazines, not newspapers. Nada. Sometimes I do wonder if one of us was switched at birth.
3. Brutha plays a lot of sport (cricket, hockey, tennis and is annoyingly brilliant at all of them) and is a... a... (I can't bring myself to say it) Crows supporter (aaarrggghh), but I have no idea as to what, if any, related paraphernalia he either has or would interest him.
4. Apparently Brutha has stacked on so much weight since I last saw him (about 18 months ago) that I have no idea what clothing size he may be. I don't want to insult him by choosing either XL (which is one size up from what he used to be) or XXXXL (I'm really hoping he's not Demis Roussos sized). Nor do I have any idea of how stylish he may be. Although his wife does choose most of his clothes and I find her taste somewhat questionable.
5. Aside from the fact he once upon a time must have liked Spandau Ballet and Bon Jovi (cos he stole my records), I have no idea what type of music he listens to. He doesn't own an iPod either. In fact, I doubt he even knows how to use a computer. That's not a sledge, its just a fact. The man is a truck driver.
6. He only drinks beer. When I was in Portugal ten years ago I bought him a bottle of port made in 1969 (the year of his birth). He said it tasted gross and threw it out. Huh.
7. He loves Spiderman but I couldn't even begin to work out what he does or doesn't have in the way of paraphernalia because he has an entire shed-full.
8. He's never been overseas nor does he have any desire to. Hell, he's never even been to visit me in Sydney. Nor, I suspect, does he have any desire to. He doesn't like cities.
9. The last time he went to the theatre was about 1975 when our parents took us to see Mary Poppins. It obviously scarred him for life because on our next theatrical outing to see The Magic Flute he was notably absent. He's never seen any of my stage performances either.
10. Bear in mind that this must be posted by tomorrow morning to Adelaide in order to reach him by Saturday. Posted. Yes. So it can't be bulky.
Fire away with your suggestions people.