For the last few weeks I've been struggling to write. This blog, long overdue emails to friends, creative writing... anything. It's been a huge struggle to sit down and just get my fingers tapping away on the keyboard.
And its annoying me.
I've also been searching for some meaning to my life. Or more specifically, to what I'm supposed to be doing with my life.
You could say I'm struggling to find some purpose.
This isn't to say I don't like my life at the moment. I do. I have wonderful friends, I live in a great house, I have two jobs that pay pretty well and aren't overly taxing and my years of hideous debt are almost at an end.
But I just know there's more to life and I'm stuck in this haze of searching for it.
This morning when I was checking around my fave blogs I discovered this post from the fantastic Alison Byrne Fields. I first stumbled upon her blog when John Hughes died and she wrote about her amazing correspondence with him as a teenager. What she wrote then really resonated with me and described my feelings on the loss of an amazing director who greatly influenced my teen years far more eloquently than I could have done. Her post today summed up my current state of mind so well... it was really encouraging to know that I'm not the only one floundering a little.
But it still doesn't help me in my quest for working out what the hell I want to be doing with my life.
There's a lot of head chatter going on.
My amazing friend Elizabeth who is (amongst other things) an NLP practitioner, Reiki healer and Angel Therapy practitioner, has very wisely said that the key to a head-chatter free life is living in the NOW. No regretting the past or fearing the future - just focus on what is right there in front of you this very minute.
Wise words indeed.
But what if you don't really like what's there? How do you go about changing it? And how do you work out what you want to change it to?
I also found this week's horoscope quite pertinent:
It's tricky, not wanting to be tied down to something tedious work-wise, while knowing you have to put food on the table. Welcome to modern life! Your best bet to to worry less about how you'll keep everything okay at home, and to find work that you love. Mythologist Joseph Campbell said: "Do what you love and the money will follow."
Trouble is, what work will I love doing? If I knew that, if I could work that out, just decide on it, I'd be much happier.
You see, I'm beginning to notice a pattern with my life.
I keep falling into these jobs that I'm quite good at, since I'm a fairly efficient, organised and quick-to-learn person. These jobs pay the bills, but they leave very little room for creativity so I get bored.
I always start creative projects, but I rarely finish them.
I guess I'm just a little bit lost and lacking that fire in the belly which once drove me to do bold things. Like deciding that buying a plane ticket and starting a new life in a new country would be a great way to avoid the trap of suburban married life that so many of my friends were falling into at the time.
Nobody thought I'd last. I didn't think I'd last. But I did. I proved them (and more importantly myself) wrong.
But that girl... that bold girl who used to take risks has gone AWOL and I'd like to find her.