Saturday, December 19, 2009

Things I Learned From Watching Glee

There are a few...

  1. Metaphors are important.
  2. The square root of 4 is rainbows.
  3. Chicks don't have prostates.
  4. Ballads are male ducks.
  5. You can't always get what you want.
  6. You can in fact, audition for the role of kicker
  7. Water boarding and living with hepatitis is hard
  8. Jews carry genetic disorders.
  9. Sunglasses are sexy... you know... rappers.
  10. You and your wife/husband don't have to have red hair to have creepy ginger kids
  11. It's possible to dress like a grandmother and a toddler at the same time.
  12. Always wax your eyebrows from underneath.
  13. Never fake a pregnancy.
  14. Being part of something special makes you special.
  15. Hot tub water makes sperm swim faster.
  16. After dentists, obstetricians have the highest rate of suicide among medical professionals. But bonsai trees help.
  17. Iron tablets keep your strength up while you're menstruating.
  18. You don't have to be trained to be a nurse in a public school.
  19. Everybody loves disco.
  20. Status is like currency. When your bank account is full, you can get away with doing just about anything.
  21. Every moment of your life is an opportunity for fashion.
  22. They say it takes more certainty than talent to be a star. Just look at John Stamos.
  23. If you have morning sickness while pregnant, your baby won't turn out to be a mongoloid
  24. The Jamaican bobsled team was a biiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiig longshot
  25. Pork is completely kosher
  26. Having two gay dads is the key to getting your way in life
  27. Being pushed into a runoff lagoon at a dairy farm causes mysophobia
  28. Papa Don't Preach is indeed a child-appropriate, soothing lullabye
  29. The only life worth living is the one you are passionate about.
  30. Never let anything distract you from winning.
  31. Caning works!
  32. The more confident you are, the less you stutter.
  33. There’s not much of a difference between a stadium full of cheering fans and an angry crowd screaming abuse at you. They’re both just making noise.
  34. Gayvention is a gay intervention
  35. That black shiny thing is called a "piano”
  36. Unitards are jock chic.
  37. Bulimia is a very messy serious disease.
  38. If you want a good review, you need to show your over-the-shoulder boulder holder.
  39. Bert and Ernie were not just roommates.
  40. Making a smoothie out of beef bones breaks your juicer.
  41. You can get a passport and run for office even if you're born in the Panama canal zone.
  42. The two things that America needs right now is sunshine and optimism...and also angels.
  43. Spanish is a dying language.
  44. Sharks can really fracture spinal cords.
  45. There is a cool epilepsy.
  46. Sex is not dating.
  47. William McKinley is a failed president.
  48. Hairography works best when you act like you're being tasered.
  49. You can get oesophagus transplants.
  50. Deaf racism is a serious issue.
  51. Don't Stop Believin' is the #1 most downloaded song on iTunes.
  52. If you're truly skilled, you can sneak anything out of a store between your knees. Even a birthday cake, with the candles still lit.
  53. Vitamin C boosts energy levels and brightens the complexion
  54. Fear is like mother’s milk to children... without it, their bones don't grow.
  55. Eating really big tacos will give you a baby bump.
  56. Not having a gag reflex will turn out to be a gift.

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