Greetings from Adders

This will have to be the quickest post ever as I'm taking advantage of the fact the mater has "nipped down to the shops" (Adelaidian for "going to the supermarket") and is therefore not berating me over internet usage.

She has dial up. Bless. So old school.

Anyway.

First Christmas in Adelaide in, oooh, I don't know... years. Its been quite nice because we went to my sis's house Christmas day which was very laid back. Usually we either have it at my mum's or my brother's, both of which are stressful enough to have me reaching for the valium, the champers and the nearest sharp object, simultaneously.

My sis doesn't cook. Says she wasn't born to. So we had cold chicken, ham and salads.

The day before my mother had done the full roast turkey with all the trimmings for lunch, so I don't feel I missed out on anything.

My sis bought me a bottle of Moet as my Christmas present. Of course I had to share it with her, but that's ok. My mum bought me the Dr Who Series 2 box set which was exactly what I'd ordered. I've already got her hooked... I think she might be taking a trip back to get one for herself.

Its been a bit dismal here weather wise but its nicer today. I didn't really pack any warm clothes so I'm a bit unprepared. I did, in the wisdom that comes with packing your suitcase at 4am when you're drunk, pack 7 little sundresses. I'm only here for 5 days. Obviously I need to be more organised next time and pack during the day. Sober.

Yesterday I sat on the sofa and watched the cricket all day. When it wasn't raining of course. How good was Roy's ton today? Love that boy.

Yoiks! Mater is home. Gotta go.

Love to all!

Today's post brought to you by the letter H.

Today's award for excellence in broadcasting goes to (insert drum roll here)...

Matt Newton

For correct pronunciation of the letter 'H' (in this case used when saying "HSC" on the breakfast show on Nova this morning).

It brought joy to my heart. Especially when he started to correct Akmal Saleh, who was quite frankly starting to do my head in every time he incorrectly said the letter H.

It is a pet peeve of mine. It hurts my ears. Much like a flat note or Kasey Chambers' voice.

I blame my parents.

Anyway.

Aitch. Not Haitch.

Snaps Matt, snaps.

This Life + 10

Very excited by this report.

I love love LOVED this show.

I don't think there was any better (drama) programme than this in the 90s. Brilliant writing, brilliant acting, brilliant everything.

But I could never choose between these two lovely chaps:

The dapper and dashing Jack Davenport

or

The sexy, soulful Andrew Lincoln.

*Sigh*

I still can't choose.

Although Egg was the nicer character of the two. Miles was a bit of a prat, truth be told.

Let's hope the ABC snaps this one up quickly so we can see it here before 2010.

Keep On The Sunny Side

Methinks I've been listening to the O Brother, Where Art Thou? soundtrack a leeetle too much in the last week.

I'd forgotten how much I love the cheesy songs on it.

So.

How are we all? Fine? Well? Happy?

Top banana.

I've got a touch of the pink eye again. Remember? Pain in the arse. I spent four hours this morning at the eye hospital and Dr Dracula took another gazillion vials of blood. At least this time Dr Dracula was a young and HOT intern. Matt. Or Mike. Maybe it was Mitchell. Anyway, it was something starting with M. Whatever his name is he didn't do a very good job though... I have the biggest bruise and my arm is still sore six hours later.

Anyway, now I HAVE to go and see a rheumatologist. I'm not allowed to put it off any longer. Boring. But I can't get in to see her until January 11, so meanwhile, I have to go back to two different types of drops every hour, no contact lens wearing, which REALLY pisses me off (for f***'s sake, its the silly season and my glasses don't match ANY of my party frocks!) and minimal screen time (TV & computer).

Just bring out a shotgun and shoot me now. Please.

So over this crap of being unwell but not sick.

And to add insult to injury, I was the only one of my friends (it seems) who didn't get to see boy-o on the weekend. Doesn't matter that I've seen him a couple of times before, I missed seeing him this time and that peeves me.

However, on the sunny side, his old mates have the number one single and album in the UK. Being the tragic I am, I have already downloaded it onto my iPod and it has had multiple playings, much to the amusement/disgust of my flatmates.

Oh and my mother let it slip that I'm getting this for Christmas. HURRAH!! Hours of fun for everyone. Especially me.

Finally, today is Lulu's birthday. HAPPY BIRTHDAY LULU! You are gonna love love love your present... I consider it one of my more inspired MK & A* purchases.

xoxo




* If I have to tell you who MK & A are, then you probably wouldn't be interested in the present. Lulu knows. And will probably be jumping up and down with excitement.

Quickie!

I'm sure you're all dying to know how I went on Monday.

Monday. You know. Day of filming this:

What do you mean you forgot??

Rude.

Anway, I had much more fun than I expected. My fellow Alchemist and I mangaged to do lots of plugs for our theatre company, Peter Everett loved us because we gave him lots of backchat and after discovering I didn't have a boyfriend like he first thought, my chef tried to chat me up and invited me back to his hotel "for a swim"!

Bless his cotton socks for trying it on.

I wonder how many other contestants he's tried it with?!

Oh and no. I didn't go for a swim. I was too busy lugging home my prize... a microwave!

Anyone need a microwave? I have one already.

I was actually hoping to win second prize which was a coffee maker. Much more appropriate for me.

Ah well. Winners are grinners and all that.

And it was quite flattering to be chatted up by someone who knows his way around a kitchen. Honestly, if he'd been a few inches taller and cut off that hideous ponytail, he might have succeeded. His food was DIVINE. Way to a girl's heart, etc...

I'm off for a run now. Got to work off all that food...

Oh and if you want to know which chef I'm talking about, either go to the website and work out which chefs have ponytails, or wait until February and watch the show.

xo

This time 11 years ago...

Today whilst cleaning out a cupboard I found an old travel diary which was written in November/December 1995.

On 3 December 1995 I was in California, staying at the YHA in Santa Monica. Very good hostel by the way. Highly recommend it. I'd spent the day being a tourist at Venice Beach with a very cute documentary filmmaker named Matt and we were scouring the classifieds because I'd suddenly decided to ditch my Amtrak pass and purchase a car. All because taking a little drive* across the USA sounded more fun than catching trains.

Three days later I'd purchased said car and was speeding my way up the coast to San Francisco with Alannis Morrisette blaring out of the stereo.

I used to be spontaneous like that.

What the bejeezus happened?

Someone get me a plane ticket, stat. I'm getting in a rut here.





* West to East, East to South, South to North, North to East... 32 states in total. And on my own.

Nothing to see here...

A bit empty on blog ideas at present... hopefully come up with some interesting fodder shortly.

In the meantime... I'll be filming my Ready Steady Cook episode on Monday! (Guess they liked my warthog story.) Its the first episode of the series to be screened in 2007, so keep your eyes peeled. Pun definitely intended.

In other news...

Thanks to genius planning and organisation, I got Row D, centre for the now sold out performances of Ralph Fiennes at the Sydney Festival. Swoon. I also have tickets for the sold out La Clique at The Famous Speigeltent and the fabulously named Seemanslieder (say it like the Germans would!). Couldn't get anyone to go with me to that though... I guess European avant-garde theatre isn't really everyone's cup of tea.

Now if only I could find someone to go see Rockstar: Supernova with me at the Hordern. There must be someone who wants to go perv on Tommy Lee and Gilby Clarke...

I'm also feeling quite smug because I've nearly finished all my Christmas shopping. I've yet to think about Christmas cards though... unlike Ems whose card arrived from Belgium yesterday (you are too freaking organised woman!!!).

I'm also compiling my Christmas list and not-so-subtly dropping hints about what I'd like... for instance did you know that the Series 2 box set of Dr Who comes out on December 7? Or that there is such a thing as a TARDIS keychain? (thanks for the heads up on that Lisa!). And Benefit have a new Benetint/Lipgloss pocketpal which would be oh-so-handy. There's also a Gleebooks catalogue open on my kitchen table which just happens to be marked with my summer reading plan. Oh and I've decided I want someone to create a Sister Wendy t-shirt. Anyone who's ever seen any of her utterly brilliant documentaries will understand the fascination.

And if all else fails, an iTunes voucher will do me nicely, thanks mum.

Right. I'm off to make lunch and watch Ready Steady Cook in preparation for my taping...

xo

The Brutha Birthday Dilemma!

Here's today's dilemma.

What does one purchase as a birthday present for one's older brother (Brutha), bearing in mind the following...

1. The sum total of time Brutha and I have spent in each other's company over the last 12 years equates to less than one month. In fact I would probably say it totals about a fortnight.

2. Brutha doesn't read. Anything. Not books (unless you count the occasional comic), not magazines, not newspapers. Nada. Sometimes I do wonder if one of us was switched at birth.

3. Brutha plays a lot of sport (cricket, hockey, tennis and is annoyingly brilliant at all of them) and is a... a... (I can't bring myself to say it) Crows supporter (aaarrggghh), but I have no idea as to what, if any, related paraphernalia he either has or would interest him.

4. Apparently Brutha has stacked on so much weight since I last saw him (about 18 months ago) that I have no idea what clothing size he may be. I don't want to insult him by choosing either XL (which is one size up from what he used to be) or XXXXL (I'm really hoping he's not Demis Roussos sized). Nor do I have any idea of how stylish he may be. Although his wife does choose most of his clothes and I find her taste somewhat questionable.

5. Aside from the fact he once upon a time must have liked Spandau Ballet and Bon Jovi (cos he stole my records), I have no idea what type of music he listens to. He doesn't own an iPod either. In fact, I doubt he even knows how to use a computer. That's not a sledge, its just a fact. The man is a truck driver.

6. He only drinks beer. When I was in Portugal ten years ago I bought him a bottle of port made in 1969 (the year of his birth). He said it tasted gross and threw it out. Huh.

7. He loves Spiderman but I couldn't even begin to work out what he does or doesn't have in the way of paraphernalia because he has an entire shed-full.

8. He's never been overseas nor does he have any desire to. Hell, he's never even been to visit me in Sydney. Nor, I suspect, does he have any desire to. He doesn't like cities.

9. The last time he went to the theatre was about 1975 when our parents took us to see Mary Poppins. It obviously scarred him for life because on our next theatrical outing to see The Magic Flute he was notably absent. He's never seen any of my stage performances either.

10. Bear in mind that this must be posted by tomorrow morning to Adelaide in order to reach him by Saturday. Posted. Yes. So it can't be bulky.

Fire away with your suggestions people.

Ten Discoveries

Ten things I discovered at last night's opening of the musical we had to have:

1. This woman is far more beautiful in person than on screen or in photos. She literally radiates beauty. And, she's polite. And nice. In fact she's probably bloody perfect in every way. How depressing for we mere mortals.

2. In my sexy new heels (Clive, but in matte black), I am taller than our previous PM.

3. Even if you are as just as well-known as your husband, some dumb photographers will still elbow you out of the way to get a pic of him on his own.

4. Artistic license is a wonderful thing. The ending of this show will really get you thinking "what if..."

5. It is possible to be at an afterparty with the aforementioned PM's offspring and resist the urge to ask them what they actually do with their lives apart from appear in the social pages every week. It did take a fair amount of restraint though.

6. Always take a pair of flip flops in your bag for when the after-party moves on down the road to a dodgy 24 hour pub and your sexy new shoes decide to cripple your feet.

7. The quality of the bubbles at the pub is never going to be anywhere near as high as the quality of the bubbles at the after-party. So don't drink it. Or be prepared for ouch.

8. Check the hottness of the mustard BEFORE you slather it all over the bowl of hot chips you feel compelled to purchase at 2am. But if you don't, then always have a drink handy.

9. The dodgier the pub, the more eclectic and amusing the jukebox choices. Which leads into number ten...

10. Plastic Bertrand is guaranteed crowd pleaser at 3am.

Whew!!

Don't know how Deano's feeling there but I'm feeling pretty bloody happy that all those teenage girls finally forgot to vote.

I'm sure you'll sell plenty of albums Dean. I'm sure you'll have many a screaming teenage fan turn up to a Westfield to see you sing some dodgy cover of a song that was dodgy in the first place. You'll be mentioned in all the teen mags... hell you may even get your own advice column in Dolly if you play your cards right. A role on Neighbours is but a manager's call away.

But.

I'm so relieved you're not going to be standing on that Opera House stage in two weeks. Damien may rival Val Doonican for nana-appeal, but he's an amazing singer, a nice bloke and that aria he sang last night brought tears of joy to my eyes.

I admit (bevis!) that I did not think much of Jessica at the beginning of the series. However she has taken all the feedback (both positve and negative), used it, learned from it and has grown so much as a performer in an astonishingly short period of time that she's won me over. I like her.

Whichever one of them wins will truly deserve it. They're both there on merit.

But I'm sitting on the fence... I can't call it. I don't know which one will win. I honestly don't know how Australia will vote.

However, Damien does live but a suburb or two away from me, and we Inner Westies have to stick together so he will be getting my vote come Sunday week.

And let's face it, how funny would it be to have an Irish Australian Idol?!

And They're Off!

These are my tips for the Melbourne Cup. Just in case any of you are undecided and need some assistance.

I should preface my tips by saying that I do not choose my horses on their form, nor their heritage, nor any other rational, educated means of selection.

I choose them purely on the colours the jockey is wearing, the name of the horse and (sometimes) who the jockey is. But that's usually only if Frankie Dettori is riding. You can't not put a bet on a jockey who's hosted Top of the Pops.

But anyway. I've picked more winners using this method than some of my, ahem, let's say, more form-minded friends have and so I trust it. It works for me.

And I would like to share it with y'all. Cos you never know, it may work for you. Just don't hold me responsible if the outcome is not what you had hoped.


Magical_M's Top 3 Melbourne Cup Tips


1. Dizelle. Because the jockey's wearing pink. Shut up. Pink is my colour. Also the name is a cross-between sounding ethereal and bimbo. Snaps for that.

2. Geordieland. Because my grandad was a Geordie. And Frankie Detorri is riding him. The horse, not my grandad. That would be both wrong and impossible because my grandad died years ago.

3. On A Jeune. I like the name. Its tricky. And, West Coast won the premiership this year, so its a year for last year's runners up to take the flag. Its my theory... just humour me.


See you at the TAB.

xo

Shuffle A Life...

Today's post comes to you courtesy of the lovely Lisa Rullsenberg.

Those of you who know me will know that this is exactly my "thang". Especially since I have nearly 5,000 songs on my iPod. I'm excited to see what comes up.

Those of you who don't know me, may find yourselves learning something quite disturbing about my musical preferences.

Read and learn people. Read and learn.

So.

The deal is...


Go to your music player, set it to shuffle/random, and answer the following questions with the title of the FIRST song that you skip to each time.

No cheating!

[I like that it says that. Like I might be ashamed of some of the songs on my iPod. Pssshaaawwww. I'm not ashamed. Not really.]


If you reached the top of Mount Everest, you would shout:
"The Lonely Goatherd" - Julie Andrews & The Von Trapp brats (Sound of Music Soundtrack). Ooooh... spooky! I probably would be yodelling my head off if I'd climbed a mountain.


The next time you stand up in front of a group of people, you'll say:
"Big City" - The Pogues (Waiting for Herb)


Your favorite thing to say when drunk is:
"Mockingbird Girl" - The Magnificent Bastards (Tank Girl). Great soundtrack. Terrible film.


Your message to the world:
"Love Ain't Here Anymore" - Take That (Everything Changes). Sure feels that way right now.


When you think of your best friend you think:
"Stuck With Me" - Green Day (Insomniac). Poor Bestie P. She really is stuck with me.


Your deepest secret:
"Cordell" - The Cranberries (To The Faithful Departed)


Your innermost desire:
"Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap" - AC/DC (Trax - Australian Made II). Quite right too. No point in pretending any different.


Your oldest memory makes you think:
"Let Me Go Rock and Roll" (Live) - KISS (KISS Gold Disc 1). Very appropriate seeing as KISS: Unmasked was the first album I ever bought.


Somewhere in your wedding vows, you should have included:
"Nas' Angels... The Flyest" - Pharrell (Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle Soundtrack). Which probably explains why I'm not married.


On your deathbed, you'll whisper:
"Fame" - Irene Cara (Fame Soundtrack). Well if that's not just the most appropriate song ever for me then I don't know what is.


Your friends say behind your back:
"He's On the Phone" - St. Etienne (The Greatest Hits of '96). They've probably said that plenty of times as a veiled reference to whichever scuzzball I was dating at the time.


You say behind your friends' back:
"Sexed Up" - Robbie Williams (Escapology). I like that Robbie has made it into this list twice. Monkey. And yes, most of my friends are sexed up. Bastards.


Your opinion of Blogging:
"Breathe" - The Prodigy (Now Dance '97 Disc 2). Make of that what you will.


When you wake up in the morning, you mutter:
"Random Acts of Kindness" - Robbie Williams (Intensive Care). Wow. He's made it on the list again. Out of nearly 5,000 songs, there have been 3 RW tracks pop up. Is that like, significant?


If you found yourself lost on a desert island, you'd yell:
"Fandango" - Lynne Wintersteller & Richard Muenz (Closer Than Ever Act II). And let's face it, why the hell wouldn't you? No one there to tell you not to.


Right now, your feelings are:
"Hungry Eyes" - Eric Carmen (Dirty Dancing Soundtrack). LOVE. IT. C'mon! Everyone now... "Goog-oong. Goog-oong. Its a heartbeat".


What's your excuse for reposting this music survey?:
"Star Hotel" - Cold Chisel (The Best of Cold Chisel). I'm a bit lost on that one.


Your life's soundtrack:
"Somewhere Along The Way" - Dean Martin (The Rat Pack). You tell 'em Deano.


The day you fell in love was the day that:
"Wednesday Morning, 3am" - Simon & Garfunkel (The Essential Simon & Garfunkel Disc 1). Very appropriate. If you swap the gender reference around.


You Scream During Sex:
"The Birds Will Still Be Singing" - Elvis Costello (Extreme Honey). Hmmmmmm....


Your farewell message to the readers of this music survey:
"Blues In The Night" - Ella Fitzgerald (The Harold Arlen Songbook, Volume 1). Nothing finishes it off like a bit of Ella.

So.

Learn anything?

Ready, Steady...

Guess who's auditioning for Ready, Steady, Cook?

Guess?

I bet you can't...

Alright.

ALRIGHT!!

I was just trying to create some tension there.

I realise I failed and bored you silly.

Anyway, contestant number one. You are correct. Tis moi.

The exec producer of RSC is a mate of our artistic director and she suggested it might be a good way to plug our fledgling little theatre company. And, on the upside for them, they get contestants who can speak (reasonably) articulately whilst chopping. Well, not chopping finely, but coarse chopping and talking at the same time is achieveable for me.

Anyway.

I've been giving much thought to the questionnaire they get you to fill in and there are three questions which have stumped me. So those of you who know me and have been subjected to had the pleasure of tasting my cuisine, please to be offering suggestions for how I can fill in the blanks.

1. What is your most embarrassing/most disastrous cooking/eating experience?

2. Tell us about your most memorable meal - good or bad?

3. Tell us one thing about you no one else knows?


Question 1 is a bit of a problem... I don't have any funny "Bridget Jones Blue-String-Soup" stories to tell because I've never cooked a really hideously inedible meal or blown up a kitchen or anything like that. I managed to get through the cooking side of Home Ec quite well, it was the sewing side that I was kicked out of.

Just as well I'm not auditioning for Ready, Steady, Sew.

But anyone out there who has memories of a terrible meal I've cooked for them, please refresh my memory with the details.

For Question 2... and its is probably best for you to make a call on this one Ems... I was thinking of the time I was taken out to a posh London restaurant on Valentine's Day by one of my co-workers* because (a) his girlfriend at the time decided she was having too much fun in New York and extended her holiday; (b) he'd already organised the eight course, £250 per head dinner and was majorly pissed at her cancelling on him at the last minute; and (c) he knew the boy I was in love with at the time had cruelly flown to Boston for Valentine's weekend to visit his brother.

Is that too odd (and involved) to be potentially aired on national television?

As for Question 3, I know asking y'all to offer suggestions for that is a bit dumb, but there are a few of you out there who know some of my secrets that I may have pushed to the back of my subconscious and temporarily forgotten, so work with me here. My dodgy taste in music doesn't really cut it as an answer because everyone knows that I listen to stuff even a deaf person knows is daggy.

And everyone knows about my GR3 so they're not an option either.

SO! Any suggestions you may have will be most welcome. Even made up stuff that sounds good will do.

Answers on a postcard please.

.
.
.
.
.
* I can see your brain ticking over at that cryptic clue there Ems. YOU remember. The blonde, bespectacled German one who sat on the other side of the dour Dutch one and would only eat Ritter Sport chocolate!

You Taking Note of This Mom?

Here's some news that my mother, along with the rest of my family and all my smug married friends... (yes, I mean you!) might find heartening...

Evangelista Gives Birth to Boy
Supermodel Linda Evangelista gave birth to a baby boy in New York City on Wednesday (11 October). Augustin James Evangelista is the Canadian-born beauty's first child. Evangelista is currently single, but has been spotted in the past with pasta heir Paolo Barilla and fellow Canadian Bryan Adams. She was married to former modeling agency president Gerald Marie from 1987 until 1992.

Lookit ma! Linda Evangelista had a baby. And she's SINGLE. And she's 41.

Don't give up on me just yet... I've got at least another 6 years!

Loads of time to find a bloke. Or if worst comes to worst, a sperm donor.

Oh and don't worry. I wouldn't dream of landing my firstborn with a name like Augustin. Although I suspect he'll be known as Gus before long.

And Ems honey... take note. It'll happen for ya. I just know it will. Like George Michael says, you just gotta have faith. Now go and play some air guitar.

xx

Someone Give That Man A Slap

I have to say its really easy for me to get wound up when it comes to Tom Cruise... the man is a pillock.

But this report takes the cake... it really does. It makes me want to go and beat him over the head with an Ab Master.

Cruise Hires Babysitters So Holmes Can Get in Shape
Tom Cruise has hired a team of babysitters for his fiancee Katie Holmes so she has time to get in shape for their glitzy wedding ceremony. According to gossip website Tmz.com, the Mission Impossible actor is reportedly "very concerned" the actress loses the weight she gained while pregnant before their big day, which is set to take place in early November. To ensure Holmes looks perfect when she walks down the aisle, Cruise has joined her on the grueling training sessions - and has drafted an army of babysitters to look after their baby daughter Suri so they can exercise without any interruptions.

.

.

.

"Very concerned" that she lose weight. Why, cos she's FAT? She just had a baby, you loser. Which may or may not be yours, depending on which conspiracy theory you subscribe to... but that's a whole other post.

Women get a little tubby when they get pregnant Tom - its part of the deal. They're carrying another human around inside them. I know Nicole has been and always will be a stick, but she ADOPTED those kids. Some other women got a little chubby so she didn't have to.

Here's an idea Tom. How about you worry about what YOU look like for the big day... maybe get a head transplant? You're not exactly phwooooaarrrr material these days. In fact I don't think you ever were. Leave Katie alone. She's given you the kid you always wanted, she's marrying you - isn't that enough?

And Katie... get some freakin' backbone girl. Tell him to shut up. If he doesn't think you look good enough to marry then tell him to go jump. I think you look fine... as does most of the (normal) world.

Although you might want to look in the mirror before you go out to make sure you don't have another incident like this one...

Hitch the straps up a bit luv. The maternity bra is a bit too visible.

And In News Just To Hand...

Today we bring you all the juciest news, from the newsdesk of magical_m.

Dempsey and Washington Have On-Set Spat

Boys! Stop this bickering and let's work this out sensibly. So its Isaiah on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays... Patrick on Tuesday, Thursdays and Saturdays and BOTH of you on Sundays. OK?

Grey's Anatomy co-stars Patrick Dempsey and Isaiah Washington were involved in a heated argument on the set of their hit show on Monday which nearly ended in a fist-fight. Dempsey, 40, and Washington, 43, nearly came to blows during a spat over shooting issues. Washington tells US publication People, "We were like two baseball players... nose-to-nose. We had a difference of opinions while working on set but we've resolved it." Washington, who plays Dr. Preston Burke says the fight began over "time and (keeping) the production going. The communication was lost in translation." But he says no punches were thrown adding, "Our faces are too beautiful for that!" Dempsey's representative says, "In close families arguments happen. They worked it out." Washington added jokingly, "I've never been that close to (Patrick) before. He has really pretty blue eyes."

Well.

WELL.

What wouldn't I have given to be in the middle of that "heated debate"?

McDreamy vs Burke. Ooooooh, its every fantasy I've ever fantasised about. Ever.

Mmmmm...

[goes and splashes face with cold water]

Right. Sorry about that. I'm back.

Our second story tonight comes to you from the country where back in 1996 I was chased by a hippo and ate warthog for the first (and only) time in my life. Two separate incidents of course.

Madonna Adopts An Orphan

Madonna auditions dancers for her upcoming "If Angelina can do it, so can I" Tour

According to those in the know, the Material Girl herself (along with lap dog/director husband Guy "my son is a mini-me" Ritchie) have adopted a Malawian orphan. The "lucky" 13-month-old boy is David Banda, whose mother Marita died shortly after his birth. According to his father, Yohane Banda, "I am very, very happy because as you can see there is poverty in this village and I know he will be very well looked after in America." .

Hmmmm.

The boy's FATHER. Um, Madge? The kid has a father. He's technically NOT an orphan. And hey, Yohane. Do you seriously think that living with Madonna is going to give him a great life? Sure he'll get fed (macrobiotic gruel), clothed (pointy bras) and educated (about Kabbalah) but really. I think he might be better off with you. Seriously.

Is no-one learning lessons from the Nicole Richie story? The girl was adopted by Lionel to supposedly give her a better life and look how f***ed up she's turned out to be. Maybe its a Richie/Ritchie thing. Oooh, it could be a curse!

Anyway. Think of the children people.

Besides which, David is far to sensible a name for the child of a celebrity. Maybe they'll have to call him by his surname - Banda.

Moving right along... Our third story tonight comes from Shittsburgh. Sorry, Pittsburgh. Lovely place. Great restaurants. Cute boys.

"Don't You Know Who I Am?" asks Sienna

Yes, Sienna, we know who you are. You're a pillock.

Sienna Miller was kicked out of a US bar after saying: "Don't you know who I am?"

The actress, 24, tried to get into Folino's Young's Tavern in Pittsburgh on Saturday night with her parents. But a doorman didn't think she was old enough and demanded to see her ID. She then sneaked inside another entrance before she was caught — and thrown out into the street.

Bouncer Dan Kovacs, a former champion weightlifter dubbed 'Pittsburgh's Superman', said he was working at the South Side bar when Sienna and parents Ed and Jo turned up. He said: "I had told her, 'Madam, you're going to need an ID to get in here.'" "She says, 'Do you know who I am?', and I said, 'No but you're going to need your ID.' "She said, 'I'm Sienna Miller the famous actress', and I said 'I'm Dan Kovacs and I'm for real.' "She says, 'I don't care.' "She stepped back and looked up at the Folino's sign and said 'I'm going to put down Folino's as the worst place and Pittsburgh people aren't anything.'

"She was just really belligerent and arrogant. I was shocked." He said he had enough of her after she tried to sneak in twice. Kovacs added: "We have two entrances and I saw her trying to get in past me. "I went inside and found her trying to buy a vodka and tonic." After that, he says, Sienna's mother appeared with a copy of the local newspaper, the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette, which had a picture of the actress on the front. Kovacs added: "She showed me the paper and said, 'Do you know who that is?' "Sienna was standing next to the mayor, so I said, 'It's our Mayor.' "She said, 'That's my daughter'. I told her I didn't care."

Owner Tony Folino confirmed: "We do not allow anyone in without ID. She didn't have ID and when she snuck in and the doorman found her, he escorted her out. She was ranting and raving and making a scene. But the doorman didn't care — he was just doing his job."

Last week Miller was forced to make a public apology to Pittsburgh Mayor Luke Ravenstahl after she dubbed the city "S***sburgh" in an interview with Rolling Stone magazine. She later claimed her words were taken out of context. But some locals say they have had enough of the US-born star. And they want her out of the Pennsylvanian city. "I think it's really wrong," said Veronica Adamson of Pittsburgh. "I don't know how she gets away with it. I saw her apologise with the mayor once but twice is just unforgivable."

Nancy Gottlieb told local news channel KDKA: "Sienna Miller is a bubble-head and she should be thrown out of Pittsburgh and never allowed back. I will not watch the movie." A spokesman for Miller, who is in Pittsburgh filming new movie Mysteries of Pittsburgh, did not return calls.

There are several things I like about that story:

Firstly, the quote "I'm Dan Kovacs and I'm for real"

Secondly, the quote "Sienna Miller is a bubble-head"

And thirdly, the fact that Sienna's mother pulled out a newspaper with her daughter's photo on the front saying - "do you know who that is? that's my daughter". Methinks Siennas mommy suffers from stage mother/"trying to be famous through her daughter's success" syndrome.

Bubble head.

Sienna. Mum. Pet. I said love, I said pet. In the plural fashion. Both of you. Get a grip. You're not that famous Sienna. All you did was shag a pretty English boy who is fast losing his pretty boy hair. You're not the first, you won't be the last and quite frankly, behaviour like that is not going to make you anything more than "that bit of fluff Jude Law shagged for a while".

If you really want to keep your career going, take some acting lessons. Cos just like Jude your looks are gonna fade too and then what will you be left with? Appearances on Celebrity Big Brother and Dancing with the Stars, that's what. And no one is going to want to know who you are then.

Apart from dirty old men, nannas with nothing more interesting to do with their time and teenage boys salivating in front of the screen.

So...

Our final news story today comes from Old Blighty. Home of a cricket team who are finally starting to play decently for the first time in years.

Is this their secret weapon?

New Warney Created in English Lab

Sadly, I have no smart-arse remark about Shane. Insert one of your own choosing if you like.

England has discovered the new Shane Warne, except this one has an on-off switch. Researchers at Loughborough University have invented a machine that can replicate the deliveries of the world's top bowlers, including Warne's "ball of the century".

"It can produce any delivery that's required out there, it can produce any type of swing, any type of spin," one of the machine's developers, Andrew West, told AAP.

Warne's famous 1993 delivery to Mike Gatting left the England batsman stunned when it appeared to be heading a foot wide of the leg stump before turning sharply to clip off-stump. The machine puts spin and swing on the ball with a combination of two spinning wheels and a barrel which uses rifling theory - like the grooves in the barrel of a rifle - to add side-spin. As a result, it can produce off-breaks and leg-breaks, as well as the swing and reverse swing of fast bowlers like Glenn McGrath.

West said the aim of the machine was to provide top-level training opportunities by allowing a team's leading bowlers to rest when necessary while still exposing its batsmen to expert bowling. The machine can be programmed to produce a certain type of delivery repeatedly to help a batsman with a weakness in that area, or mix up the balls to provide a broader training regime.



Ah, yes, but can they program it to send dirty text messages, cheat on its wife, smoke like a chimney, drink like a fish and give the finger to Barmy Army chants of "he's fat, he's round, he bounces off the ground, Shane Warne. Shane Warne."? Somehow I don't think so.

* * * * *

That's all for today. Thanks for tuning in. See you next time, where we discuss Tom Cruise's bit to "get Kate in shape" for their upcoming wedding.

Expect normal posting to resume shortly...

Just in case you're still visiting.

And if you are...

Hey! How are y'all? Well?

Excellent.

The run of my play has ended (with a very busy final week... typical of Sydney theatre-goers to leave it till the last week of a five week run) and I finally have some time to breathe.

And blog.

I've just got to work out which of the myriad of topics cartwheeling around in my brain I am going to choose first.

Any hot topics anyone wants my opinion on? Or are you happy to go with the flow?

x

You're Outta Here

Much as it pains me to write this post...



You set yourself up for it honey. Dixie Chicks are cool (especially because of their anti-George Bush stance). Dolly is a legend.

But Shania??

Even though I still voted for you, because you're a top bird and one of the rare auditionees at the Seymour Centre that week, who actually bothered to talk to us (and apologise if you were disturbing our work day), you shot yourself in the foot by singing Shania Twain.

Kenny Rogers would have been preferable to Shania. Hell, even singing a Keith Urban number might have scored you more votes.

I'm really sorry to see you go and I hope you continue performing. Release an album of Dixie & Dolly and I'll buy it for sure. Just don't put Shania on there. She's painful to the ear.

Before I go however, I must say one thing. OK, three things.

1. It astonishes me that Sideshow Bobby dodged a bullet this week. He should've at least been in the bottom 3. Bad song choice, bad performance. So he's missing his family. Well cry me a freakin' river Bob. You're there to perform. So perform.

2. Mutto. Yes he was sick, but if you're sick you work with what you can do and try not to go for the high notes. He must leave. Soon.

3. CAN WE PLEASE JUST GET RID OF LISA-THE-ONE-TRICK-PONY???


That is all.

x

Snaps for elaine!

Alright, I admit it. I had to coerce my way into getting tagged for this one.

Well, not really. I just begged elaine to tag me and she did. What a wonderful pirate she is.

1. Three things that scare me
- John Howard and George Bush. I consider them one and the same.
- Not succeeding (I really mean FAILURE, but I'm trying to put a positive spin on it here people. Work with me.)
- Intimacy

2. Three things that make me laugh
- Da Budda. She really is the devil incarnate. I wish I'd been that bolshi at the age of 5.
- David Tennant as Dr Who. I never knew Dr Who was that funny or witty (or sexy).
- My friends.

3. Three things I hate the most
- John Howard and George Bush and what they and their minions are doing to the world.
- Boys who wear their collars turned up. Its a seriously bad fashion statement lads - STOP. IT.
- Stupid people.

4. Three things I don't understand
- I have to reiterate elaine's first one... Why people keep voting in the Libs. They're EVIL.
- Mark Holden.
- Quantum physics. And compound fractions.

5. Three things I'm doing right now
- Well, um, this meme of course.
- Looking at the clock and realising that I should get to bed as I have to work at 9am tomorrow.
- Downloading bad songs from iTunes (damn that Ricky Muscat for singing Peter Cetera on Australian Idol tonight! I have a hankering for that song from the Karate Kid).

6. Three things I want to do before I die
- Have a book published.
- Co-star in a film with Luke Wilson.
- Breed (OH. MY. GOD. Did I just say that???). Of course combining two and three would be top of the list.

7. Three things I can do
- Cook an awesome roast.
- Type really fast.
- Sing pretty much any TV theme from the 80s.

8. Three ways to describe my personality
- Complete.
- (yet vaguely) Amusing.
- Nutter.

9. Three things I can't do
- Sew. I really suck at it. Even at the simple stuff like sewing on buttons.
- Maintain a relationship.
- Backbends in yoga.

10. Three things I think you should listen to
- Gut instinct. Something I don't listen to often enough.
- Mötley Crüe and KISS. Mandatory for everyone's iPod.
- Your Grandmother. You never know what gossip you might find out.

11. Three things you should never listen to
- Your censor. Read The Artist's Way and you'll understand.
- Sales assistants. Especially those who convince you that forking out $80 for foundation will make you look like a goddess.
- Members and supporters of the Liberal Party. I really, really had to reiterate that one elaine.

12. Three things I'd like to learn
- How to save money
- How to maintain an exercise regime
- How to poach eggs

13. Three favourite foods
- Cheese
- Chocolate
- Chicken, chips & gravy from Clem's Chicken Shop on King Street.

14. Three beverages I drink regularly
- Cordial (preferably Cottees Orange & Mango Light)
- Red Wine
- Coffee

15. Three shows I watched as a kid
- The Famous Five. I soooo wanted to be George.
- Happy Days. I only wanted to be Joanie when she was snogging Chachi. Oh and when she got to be backup singer for Leather Tuscadero.
- Magilla Gorilla. No one ever could tell me (or Ogee for that matter) how much that gorilla in the window actually cost.

16. Three people I'm tagging
- Whomever
- Cares
- To

I can only hope this really is how it will end...

'What will your obituary say?' at QuizGalaxy.com

Yes Bevis, I hear you.

Just so you don't have to look at the Vote for Klancie post anymore... a quick catch up.

Boring, but since I'm rehearsing one play during the day and performing in another at night, my head is full of nothing but lines, lines, bloody lines (and blocking) so there's precious little room for anything else.

So... to catch y'all up on what I've been doing, here you go:

Fortnightly trips to the eye hospital. Its getting better, but far too slowly for my liking. Still no contact lens wearing allowed (not even for an hour on stage each night I was told on Friday!) and I still have to put those bloody drops in every two hours.

Boring.

Our play opened two weeks ago. We got a very average review from one Mr S Dunne of the SMH, but then we knew this play wouldn't be his cup of tea... especially because he wanted to read the script before he came. Who does that?

HOWEVER, Jason Blake, also of the SMH gave us a very good review and there were two or three other reviews which were brilliant so we're a pretty happy little bunch.

EXCEPT...

Our houses have been shit. Five people on Wednesday, seven on Saturday... what's wrong with people? Its great theatre. Three out of four brilliant reviews say so. We give you free wine and beer before the show. The show only goes for an hour so you can still go out and party afterwards. Come on people. Support independent theatre!

Anyway.

I broke my toe in one of the opening scenes on Thursday. That was fun. I did almost the whole show (barefoot) trying not to put any weight on my left foot. Bit difficult when you have to jump around on boxes and so forth.

Ah well.

What else???

Klancie's still hanging in there. I like to think my votes are counting. Reigan is gone - THANK WHOMEVER! Lisa should be the next to go. I think she's trying to sound like Bjork. And heaven knows we don't need another Bjork in the world. At least she's not trying to look like her.

Ummmmm....

Another mate has just announced she's breeding. And another has just popped out her second. I really wish my friends would quit bloody breeding. Its very expensive.

Da Buddha turned 5 yesterday. She really is a wicked creature. She's taken to locking people out of the house. LOVE. IT. ENCOURAGE. IT.

I have a new flatmate. She brought a piano with her. Its most exciting. Or at least it will be when I actually have time to start playing it. Its like riding a bicycle right? You never forget? Let's hope so.

I'm still addicted to Dr Who and Grey's Anatomy. They're the only two TV shows I'm getting to watch at present. So many yummy Doctors...

But I must farewell... there is work to be completed and lines to be learned. Or is that learnt? Never quite sure which is which.

I have some days off coming up (what are they?!?!) so expect a little posting action to happen.

In the meantime, hope this has shut you up kept you happy Bevis my friend.

[insert one of those winky things here]

xoxo

Vote Now!!

Awesome. She got a wild card entry. And belted out a great version of "Red Neck Woman" last night.

And screw you Mark Holden... I say bring on a C&W Australian Idol. Its got to be better than that monosybillic Casey Donovan who had no genre, style or personality or Kate D'whatsherface who sings sappy songs for nannas.

Klancie is a top bird and if she doesn't get through tonight I will be seriously pissed off at the teenage voting public.

VOTE FOR KLANCIE!

Oh and well done to the boys... especially my man of the week Mark Williams (8 goals!). 11th place isn't so bad... especially when we finished above Port, Brisbane, the Roos, the Bombers and Carlton. I've got a good feeling about 2007.

100 Shameless Plugs

Its my blog so I can put whatever I want on here.

And today, I'm going to post a shameless plug for my show.

If you're in Sydney, come and check it out. We really need a crowd for next Wednesday's preview as someone from the Sydney Morning Herald is coming to do a review, so if you can be a bum on a seat it will only cost you $15! Normally it will cost you $27. Or $22 if you're one of those concessionary types.

Here endeth the plug.

Normal posting will resume shortly.

Hope you're all well, etc, etc.

Australia got it wrong

I think I may have mentioned in an earlier post about this year's Australian Idol callbacks being held at my work. Or I might have been dreaming about posting about it but never got around to doing so.

ANYWAY.

Because 125 little pop-wannabes spent 3 days screeching warming up in the bathrooms located right next to my box office, I discovered more than you would ever want Andrew G to tell you about the 2006 Australian Idol contestants.

Naturally, there were those who pissed me off. I won't name names, but the boys who sneeze-called that lovely albeit fairly overweight boy "krispy kreme" as he walked past them should remember the bollocking I gave them and know that if they ever do anything that horrid again I will publicly name and shame.

However there were others with whom I got quite friendly. The ones who made an effort to come up and say hello (and a few who even apologised for their inconsiderate fellow contestants who would not stop caterwauling in the bathrooms). A few of those lovely people made the top 24. Snaps for them. And at least two of them I thought would definitely make the top 12.

These two:

Klancie Keogh

Klancie's from Mt Isa. Actually I think she lives about four hours out of Mt Isa. She sounds about as country as you get, but dresses like an A-lister and is one of the nicest, most genuine people I've ever met. Seriously. She's a top bird. And she has a great set of lungs on her. Must be all that yelling across the cattle station. I thought for sure she'd go through. Hell, I even voted for her.

But I was wrong. Australia didn't want her.

So I thought at least if Klancie didn't get through then this next chick would:

Amanda Streete

Another top bird. Really lovely, friendly, down to earth and again, great set of lungs. She belted out such a fabulous version of Early Warning by the Baby Animals right in front of my desk that I thought there would be no way she wouldn't make it to the top 12.

Wrong again.

Obviously, I have different taste to the rest of Australia.

Because instead, Australia saw fit to vote for these little under-age moppets:

Jessica Mauboy

Sweet girl, nice voice, but really.

WHITNEY HUSTON???

Get some frickin' taste girl. Whitney Huston sucked even when I was a teenager.

Maybe there's hope for you. Maybe. But I don't see too many signs of it so far.

And this girl:

Reigan Derry

Shockin. You can't sing about wanting to be a "punk rock girl" when you're dressed like Michelle Phillips from the Mamas & the Papas. And you can't sing that song in the saccharine-coated way you sang it. Did you even think about what those lyrics are saying? I suspect not.

I can't believe Australia voted for you over Klancie & Amanda.

Let's hope the judges see fit to give them a shot at a wild card entry.

Or I'm just going to stop watching.

I'll definitely stop voting anyway.

Sautéed In Wrong Sauce*

Been a bit quiet on the blog front, I know. Haven't had anything much worthwhile to say I guess.

How are y'all? Having fun?

Good, good.

I'm still making my weekly trips to the eye hospital. Dr Sam tells me I have to get used to seeing him for at least the next two months. I told him I have trouble committing to relationships, so not to get his hopes up.

I still have to put the drops in every hour of every day which is getting to be a real frickin bore.

Apparently I tested negative for HLA-B27 so they don't think I have AS. Which is good in one way but bad in another... I was hoping for some answers as to why I have to look like an ugly speccy joe for at least another few months.

I only have one pair of glasses and there are a limited number of items in my wardrobe with which they accessorise successfully. I think I may have to become like Anastacia and invest in a selection of glasses to coordinate with different outfits.

Dunno how I'm going to do my next play in glasses though. Its movement based and I do a lot of jumping around with a bamboo stick.

We started rehearsal this week and we got loads accomplished until Day 3 when two of the performers pulled out for personal reasons. So we spent all of Day 3 and part of Day 4 re-casting and we have to start rehearsal again from scratch next week which only gives us 2 weeks to get the show up and running. Thankfully, Bestie Lulu's boy (he of the stabbing incident) has stepped up to the plate and taken over one of the roles. Should be lots of fun with him around!

Anyway, I should be learning lines. Or sleeping. I have to be at the airport at 6am to collect Bestie P & co from la belle France. I hope Miss Piper remembers her godmother... it's been two whole weeks!

x



* Classic comment by one Mr T Lee on Wednesday night's Rockstar: Supernova. He was talking about Storm's woeful performance of "I Will Survive" and was totally on the money. Yes. I've still got the hots for him. Although I've decided I fancy Gilby Clarke again now too. I still find Dave Navarro one of the freakiest looking men on the planet though. I will never fancy him.

He was a hard headed man...

He was brutally handsome.
And she was terminally pretty.

I love that song lyric. Its playing right now on iTunes and I thought I'd share it with you.

Aren't I nice?

Sooooo... I have a new contender for my GR3. Just one. Alan and James can not be replaced, but Kenneth can. Sorry Ken.

He's been replaced by this man:

I know, I know.

Its just not right, is it?

I. NEED. HELP.

You see, I've been watching this show and I've gone gaga for him.

Wrong. Its all wrong.

Anyways... let's change the topic. Its creeping me out. He creeps me out. But I still fancy him.

CHANGE. THE. TOPIC.

Ummmm... my eye is kinda better. Turns out it wasn't conjunctivitis like the doctor at the Uni Health Clinic (UHC) told me after a perfunctory glance at my weeping eye. Don't go to the UHC. Bad bad bad. I went to my GP a few days later after what the UHC doctor prescribed failed to work. My GP freaked out at the sheer incompetence of the UHC doctor and ordered me to go immediately to the eye hospital. Did you know that we have a hospital in Sydney just for eyes? I didn't. Its in Macquarie Street. Its a very strange place. I think Billy Ray Cyrus is moonlighting as an orderly and Mimi from the Drew Carey show works in the office, alongside Mr Mann from Little Britain. They also have the most extensive range of vintage Conde Nast magazines (Traveller, Vogue, GQ) that I have ever seen in a waiting room.

Pity my eye hurt too much to allow me to read them all.

Anyway, after 7 (yes, that's SEVEN) hours waiting in the emergency room of the eye hospital, I finally get to see an opthalmologist who actually looks at my eye properly and decides that I need a chest x-ray and blood tests. I know, it was my eye, not my chest or my blood. I did say that to him and he laughed and told me to shut up and let him do his job.

I like a doctor you can banter with.

So I sat in a little room trying not to throw up while Dr Dracula takes about a gazillion vials of blood (I have issues with needles... I'd be useless as a junkie) and then I schlep off to the x-ray room. Did you know they process x-rays on the spot now via what looks like a PC and a photocopier? Its cool. I sat there trying to diagnose myself while the x-ray lady was checking to make sure it had turned out right. I was sure I spotted a growth in my lung, but she said I had an overactive imagination.

Which I do.

So then, I go spend $50 at the pharmacy to get two TINY bottles of eye drops and go back to wait for Dr Sam to tell me what I have and what I need to do.

It turns out that what I have is called Iritis. Inflammation of the iris. Fair enough. So why the blood tests and x-rays? Well, its actually a "symptom" of a few different HLA-B27 related diseases, but what he thinks I have is called Ankylosing Spondylitis. I find out for sure on Wednesday, but he's 99% positive.

At this point my head is spinning from lack of food (when you go to emergency at 11am, you really don't bank on still being there at 6pm) and information overload, so Dr Sam writes it all down for me to google at my leisure. That's what he said. Really. "Google at your leisure". He's a cool guy. A little nerdy, but cool.

So I go home, put the drops in (every HOUR for the next MONTH) and a few days later Wikipedia myself silly.

If you can be bothered going to the links, you'll see all the ins & outs of what it is and what can or can't be done. My grandmother apparently developed rheumatoid arthritis when she was my age, so I guess I shouldn't be surprised by any of it. And I have to say I'm not particularly bothered by it either. Because it means I actually have a name for it, rather than just putting all the symptoms down to "getting old".

What REALLY concerns me (and I think I may need treatment for this too) is that when I Wikipedia-d the AS, I got quite excited by the discovery that Mick Mars (Mötley Crüe bandmate of aforementioned Tommy Lee) is also a sufferer.

I'm not right. I'm really not.

I'll report back soon.

Hope you are all well. Especially you MG... I didn't like the "anonymous" comment I read earlier on Locket's blog. It upset me. I'm sending you hugs.

While I think of it and completely off-topic yet again, I bought my soon-to-turn seven year old niece "Charlotte's Web" for her birthday. Is she too young for it? I think I read it when I was about 5, but then apparently I was reading in the womb and always read waaay above my age group. So I'm not sure. Has Princess read it MG? If so, at what age?

Oh and Bevis, what's going on with BB? I'm waiting for my umpteenth nomination! And maybe a bit of biffo with Feral when I finally get a-victed.

xox

I'm Alive*

Hi!

[waves]

I'm alive.

I still have the pink eye, but it is getting better.

I'm typing this with one eye shut though, so be warned.

I don't have a lot to say today.

iTunes is giving me the irrits because it won't sell the Plastic Jesus song in the Australian store. It also refuses to sell me Christina Aguilera's latest, but I suspect it has my best interests at heart with that refusal.

I had a minor song victory at company A the other day. They're rehearsing a Welsh play and I suggested to the designer that he include the Combine Harvester song** in one of the scenes. I was actually joking, because I was bored out of my skull, but he took me seriously, ran off with my iPod for ten minutes*** and its now a part of the show.

For entertainment at present, I am giving people annoying and obscure song lines (worked into everyday conversation) and seeing how long it takes them to start singing the song.

They get very annoyed when they suddenly find themselves singing songs like Don't Go Breaking My Heart for no apparent reason.

The census man delivered my form tonight. Just as Dr Who started. How. Rude. And it was the episode with Giles from Buffy/Prime Minister from Little Britain in it. I nearly slammed the door in his face. The census man's, not Anthony Head's. Speaking of all things census... those who are not in favour of any particular form of religion, please join me in putting Cult of Nadstown in the religion section of your form. More info can be found here.

Anyhoooo... I have nothing exciting to say and my eye is beginning to water so I am going to go and put the kettle on.

xox
.
.
.
.




* Name that band. And the movie it came from. NO CHEATING.

** The Wurzels, who sang that glorious piece of scrumpy & western are actually from Somerset, not Wales, but most of the people working on this play wouldn't know Ruishton from Rhayader and I'm not about to enlighten them.

*** Yes, I actually own this song. Everyone should.