A Scotch Ghost With a Comedy Ringtone

This has to be one of the funniest things of the Christmas season... I've been giggling non-stop since I first saw it.

Well... maybe that's a slight exaggeration, but every time I watch it I'm in stitches. For the first 3 minutes or so anyway.

Enjoy.

You Say You Want A Resolution...

This time last year I was in Adelaide with my family and debating whether to stay in Sydney or make the move to Melbourne.

Well, we all know the decision made in that case.

I've been here in Melbourne nearly a year now and on the whole, it was a good decision. I feel more settled here, the work has been plentiful and well paid (albeit not exactly in the field I thought it would be) and my health has improved.

Good decision.

I'm now in the process of deciding what I want the next year to bring.

Besides getting financially stable whilst working less, which is a definite goal after several years of working my butt off for not that great a financial reward, I'm still deciding.

Reading more is on the list.

Spending more time outdoors is another.

Any other ideas?

Drafted

There are a few posts I've just discovered in draft, which I'm going to attempt to finish and post before the clock strikes midnight tomorrow.

That's if I can remember exactly what my point was in starting these posts.



Let's see if I can.

How Much Is Too Much?

One of the strange and amazing things about facebook is its ability to put you in contact with people you haven't seen or heard from for years... you know, old school mates, relatives you're a bit crap at keeping in touch with because you leave it to your mother to send the Christmas cards, etc...

On the whole, its been pretty good finding out what happened to these people from my childhood. Obviously, most of them are married with kids, although there are a few who, like me, have chosen a less traditional route and remain single, roaming the globe and focussing on their careers. So its quite varied, which is nice. And some of these people have achieved amazing things and have some quite inspirational stories to share.

But one old school friend has gone beyond what I think is the boundary of public sharing and I'm not sure how I feel about it. This friend (whom I actually haven't seen since we were about 13 given we went to different high schools and never kept in touch), recently posted a note on facebook entitled "Know Me", which was basically a history of her life. This note was quite explicit, giving all the intimate details of her relationships with her family and partners and detailing events and traumas which have happened to her over the years. And we're talking major traumas - rape, bashing, cults, etc etc. Heavy stuff.

I'm sure she had her own reasons for writing it and maybe it was cathartic for her to publicly air her skeletons and share it all with the world. But is facebook really the appropriate forum for this kind of information?

I guess there are a lot of things that I have vented about on this blog over the years, but then there aren't that many people who read it and even fewer who actually know the real me (so to speak). And those that do probably know most things about me anyway. But I don't think that I would be so explicit with details on facebook. Not that I've suffered even 1/100th of the things she's been through.

And that brings me to another thing which bothered me about her post. In it, she details a history of violent and abusive relationships with men... she's been married a couple of times and one partner deliberately caused her to suffer a miscarriage (the details of that are too disturbing to post here). Now all that information was a little too much for starters, but secondary to that I began to wonder what is it about this woman, that all these terrible things have happened to her over the course of 38 years?

I'm not saying she's brought it on herself but I do think that what we put out into the world comes back to us... our beliefs and ideas about ourselves are often the cause of our emotional and physical problems and feed into the kind of choices we make in relationships.

Anyway, it got me thinking. Which maybe she intended, maybe not.

It really does all boil down to choice doesn't it? I've made some not-so-great choices in my life but on the whole I think I've done ok. And (touch wood) I've never experienced horrors like this woman has. Luck or the power of positivity?

Something to ponder as the new year approaches.

Six in Eleven

At the beginning of this month I vowed to try and better the number of blog posts after last year's dismal efforts. The target is 36.

Currently I'm sitting on 29. Well, 30 if you count this one but I don't know that this one should count, since its not actually a proper post, more like a self-administered smack upside the head.

Anyway, there are 11 days left in the year and I still need to do another 6 posts.

What do you reckon the odds are that I'll achieve this goal?

In theory, it is possible. However there are a number of, shall we say, roadblocks which may hinder my progress:

Firstly, I currently have a house guest. Which is great - he's a good mate I haven't seen for almost a year, but he doesn't leave until Tuesday morning.

Secondly, the Mater arrives on Tuesday afternoon for a week and I will be expected to accompany her on various visits to a seemingly endless number of relatives.

Thirdly, I'm working all day tomorrow and most days between Christmas and New Year.

So we'll see what happens.

But don't hold your breath. I'm certainly not holding mine. Sorry, bit of a defeatist attitude. I will try to make it to 36 though.

x

Things I Learned From Watching Glee

There are a few...

1. Metaphors are important.
2. The square root of 4 is rainbows.
3. Chicks don't have prostates.
4. Ballads are male ducks.
5. You can't always get what you want.
6. You can in fact, audition for the role of kicker
7. Water boarding and living with hepatitis is hard
8. Jews carry genetic disorders.
9. Sunglasses are sexy... you know... rappers.
10. You and your wife/husband don't have to have red hair to have creepy ginger kids
11. It's possible to dress like a grandmother and a toddler at the same time.
12. Always wax your eyebrows from underneath.
13. Never fake a pregnancy.
14. Being part of something special makes you special.
15. Hot tub water makes sperm swim faster.
16. After dentists, obstetricians have the highest rate of suicide among medical professionals. But bonsai trees help.
17. Iron tablets keep your strength up while you're menstruating.
18. You don't have to be trained to be a nurse in a public school.
19. Everybody loves disco.
20. Status is like currency. When your bank account is full, you can get away with doing just about anything.
21. Every moment of your life is an opportunity for fashion.
22. They say it takes more certainty than talent to be a star. Just look at John Stamos.
23. If you have morning sickness while pregnant, your baby won't turn out to be a mongoloid
24. The Jamaican bobsled team was a biiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiig longshot
25. Pork is completely kosher
26. Having two gay dads is the key to getting your way in life
27. Being pushed into a runoff lagoon at a dairy farm causes mysophobia
28. Papa Don't Preach is indeed a child-appropriate, soothing lullabye
29. The only life worth living is the one you are passionate about.
30. Never let anything distract you from winning.
31. Caning works!
32. The more confident you are, the less you stutter.
33. There’s not much of a difference between a stadium full of cheering fans and an angry crowd screaming abuse at you. They’re both just making noise.
34. Gayvention is a gay intervention
35. That black shiny thing is called a "piano”
36. Unitards are jock chic.
37. Bulimia is a very messy serious disease.
38. If you want a good review, you need to show your over-the-shoulder boulder holder.
39. Bert and Ernie were not just roommates.
40. Making a smoothie out of beef bones breaks your juicer.
41. You can get a passport and run for office even if you're born in the Panama canal zone.
42. The two things that America needs right now is sunshine and optimism...and also angels.
43. Spanish is a dying language.
44. Sharks can really fracture spinal cords.
45. There is a cool epilepsy.
46. Sex is not dating.
47. William McKinley is a failed president.
48. Hairography works best when you act like you're being tasered.
49. You can get oesophagus transplants.
50. Deaf racism is a serious issue.
51. Don't Stop Believin' is the #1 most downloaded song on iTunes.
52. If you're truly skilled, you can sneak anything out of a store between your knees. Even a birthday cake, with the candles still lit.
53. Vitamin C boosts energy levels and brightens the complexion
54. Fear is like mother’s milk to children... without it, their bones don't grow.
55. Eating really big tacos will give you a baby bump.
56. Not having a gag reflex will turn out to be a gift.

I ♥ Glee - Part 2

It has been documented before... I am a gleek. And proud. This show is right up my alley. Its like 90210 meets Dawson's Creek meets something politically incorrect. With songs. Daggy 80s pop songs. Big bellowing musical theatre songs. Heart rendering ballad-y songs. In short pretty much every song which is already on my iPod.

(I have of course, had to download all their versions though.)

There are so many reasons (aside from the musical numbers) to watch this show, but for my money, the main reasons are:




Matthew Morrison. Oh man. If my choir teacher in high school had looked like him I wouldn't have been able to sing a note. Sooooo hot. And very talented... what we call a 'triple threat' (singer/dancer/actor). Well he can triple threat me anytime he likes. *sigh*

His character is just gorgeous. And he has the cutest storyline with Emma, the mysophobic guidance counsellor - they're just so darn adorable together!




Jayma Mays, who plays the aforementioned Emma, is fantastic too. And her character has some cracker lines... my favourite so far being from the Acafellas episode...

They say it takes more certainty than talent to be a star... I mean look at John Stamos.


True. Sooooo hilariously true.


However, if we're going to discuss Glee characters with cracker lines (which I am, seeing as this is my blog), then this woman has to take the trophy.



Jane Lynch has always been one of those actresses who pops up in the most amazing films, yet up until I started watching Glee I would be struggling to remember her name. She is an absolute corker in this show. How can she not be with lines like:

You think this is hard? Try being waterboarded, that's hard!

Your resentment is delicious.

Well, I have a phoner in a couple of minutes. That's an interview. On the telephone. With a major media outlet. I'll probably do it on my iPhone.

You know caning has fallen out of fashion in the United States. But ask anyone who has safely walked the immaculate sidewalks of Singapore after winning an international cheerleading competition and they'll tell you one thing. Caning works. And I think its about time we did a little more of it right here. And to all those nay-sayers out there who say: "That's illegal. You can't strike children on their bare buttocks with razor sharp bamboo sticks." Well to them I say: "Yes. We. Cane." And that's how Sue 'C's it.

I'm reasonably confident that you will be adding revenge to the long list of things you're no good at, right next to being married, running a high school Glee Club and finding a hairstyle that doesn't make you look like a lesbian. Love ya like a sista!

This is what we call a total disaster ladies. I'm going to have to ask you to smell your armpits. [they do] That's the smell of failure and it's stinking up my office. I'm revoking your tanning privileges for the rest of the semester.

I hear people say, "That's not how I define marriage". Well, to them I say, "Love knows no bounds." Why can't people marry dogs? I'm certainly not advocating intimacy with your pets. I, for one, think intimacy is no place in marriage. Walked in on my parents once, and it was like seeing two walruses wrestling. So, WOOF! on Prop 15, Ohio. And that's how Sue 'C's it.

Let me break this down for you, okay? I empower my Cheerios to be champions. Do they go onto college? I don't know, I don't care. Should they learn Spanish? Sure, if they wanna become dishwashers and gardeners. But if they want to be bankers and lawyers and captains of industry, the most important lesson they could possibly learn is how to do a round off.

No way. They [wheelchair ramps] are what I call lazy-makers. They discourage our able-bodied students from getting their proper exercise by using the stairs!

This character is one of the best on TV at present - male or female. And she's not just a one-dimensional evil character... we've seen her heart get broken and we've seen her obvious adoration and care for a sister with Down's Syndrome. There's a lot more to this character than meets the eye and Jane Lynch plays her perfectly.

And if her name is not read out as the winner of her category at the Golden Globes on 17 January, than there is something seriously wrong with the world.

Shame, Russell T, Shame

My love of all things David Tennant and subsequently, Doctor Who has been well documented on this blog. Really. No, really. It has.

So when I watch an episode, I'm a tad, ummmm, how shall we say... attentive? Studious? Alert?

Also, given I watch most shows which I download, on my laptop, I have the opportunity to pause, look closely and rewind if something requires a second look. And then I can jump on the internet if something needs verifying.

Shut up. I know that's weird. Its just what I do, ok?

Anyway that's not the point of this post. The point of this post is that in the latest episode of Doctor Who, The Waters of Mars, Russell T Davies has reverted to sheer laziness and blatant plagiarism.

And I for one, am less than impressed.

To give you a bit of context...

At the beginning of the episode it has just dawned on our lovely Doctor who his new friends actually are. So there's a little flashback to articles he's read on the internet about them... first off-world colonists in history, very first humans on Mars, yada, yada, yada.

And then he starts to identify them individually. First up, Captain Adelaide Brooke, played by the always fabulous Lindsay Duncan. And gosh, golly, the Doctor has just realised its 2059 and that's when she died. Well, according to the split-second cut to his memory of a website containing her obituary, anyway.

So then he goes around the circle, so to speak. Next up? Deputy Edward Gold. Played by our very own Peter O'Brien. And in his own Aussie accent too (although it is a slightly moderated one... he is quite a bit more well-spoken than he was in his Neighbours or Flying Doctors days which is understandable given how much time he spends in the UK. Plus, he's from South Australia. We're a little less 'strine' than our cousins from the Eastern states.)

So great. Hello Peter-as-Ed, nice to meet you.

And this is where I start to get picky.

There's another split-second cut to the Doctor's memory of Ed's obituary.



Have a read. Please. Read it carefully. Looks good, huh? The character is an Aussie; Peter O'Brien was born in South Australia, so Russell T. Davies, or a member of his team has obviously done his/her homework and researched how behind Australia was/is in the space race, where an Australian-born astronaut might have studied, etc. Snaps to them for being thorough you might say.

Or, you could say shame on you Russell T. Davies and your team. SHAME ON YOU.

Because you've simply lifted Andy Thomas' biog straight from Wikipedia.

And simply changed the names and a couple of the dates.

As soon as I saw the St Andrew's and St Peter's references it waved a great, stonking, red flag for me. Having grown up in Adelaide and having met Andy when I visited the Kennedy Space Center when I lived in the States, I knew a bit about him. Enough to send me straight to Wikipedia to confirm my suspicions when I saw that clip, anyway.

I wonder what Andy Thomas thinks of this? On one hand, he might be chuffed. He's made it into an episode of Doctor Who. Isn't that every boy's (or girl's) dream? I know it was mine until David Tennant announced he was leaving and they replaced him with that fetus, Matt Smith. But I digress. I was discussing what Andy Thomas might think of this plagiarism. I wonder if he's a little vexed by the fact that details of his life have been attributed to a character who bears no resemblance to him, other than the fact that they both work in space.

As further proof of my obsession of the minutiae, another thought that struck me was how that plagiarism would fit with the standard clause at the end of the closing credits saying "The events and characters depicted in this motion picture are fictitious. Any similarity to actual persons living or dead, or events, is purely coincidental". Surely that clause prevents you from doing something like this.

Until I discovered that there is no such clause at the end of the credits of Doctor Who. So presumably that rule does not apply to them and they are free to do whatever they want.

Interesting.

Well, I thought so, anyway.

However I still think Russell should hang his head in shame for being so lazy (or employing such lazy co-writers) that they just copy and paste from Wikipedia instead of creating a biography from scratch. You know, imagining something. Which is what writers are supposed to do. Isn't it?

Or have the age of the internet and the budget cuts at the BBC changed all that?

Let's hope Stephen Moffat isn't as lackadaisical in his approach to the finer details. Or I shall have to write another sternly worded blog post.

In the meantime, I anxiously await the End of Time and the return of the wonderful John Simm as The Master.



.







Gosh, that was a bit lengthy wasn't it? Good on you if you managed to read right through to the end.

x

C*nts Are Still Running the World

Well did you hear, there’s a natural order.
Those most deserving will end up with the most.
That the cream cannot help but always rise up to the top,
Well I say: Shit floats.
If you thought things had changed,
Friend you’d better think again,
Bluntly put in the fewest of words,
Cunts are still running the world.

This eloquent piece of Brit Pop was the encore to this evening's marvellous night at the Forum seeing one of my most favourite performers:

"I like pashing. Both the word and the... activity."

Bless his cottons - he'd picked up a Rough Guide to Melbourne for a bit of light reading on the plane and was testing out the Melbourne expressions on us. Pashing appeared to be his favourite one.

The song whose lyrics appear above was his encore and was directed at what's going on in Copenhagen right now.

It was rather apt.

I mean even our own K-Rudd, whom I proudly wore a t-shirt for, hit a new low today with his comment at the unveiling of the new Australian made Toyota Hybrid...

"It's one of those days when we should be saying 'Oh what a feeling, Australia'."

Douchebag. I mean, really. Kevin. Kev. Mate. I know it was probably one of your monkeys who wrote that but you didn't HAVE to say it. It made you sound like a tool.

It made you sound like Tony Abbott. That's the kind of fool remark he'd make.

Shame, K-Rudd, shame.

But enough of numpty politicians. Yeah. Jarvis summed it up rather nicely.

And treated us to a good bit of chat and song. I think a few of the old Pulp fans might have been a bit disappointed... I was hoping to get Sorted for E's and Wizz but upon reflection it's probably just as well. Last time I saw Jarvis (which was when he was with Pulp and I was living in London) I was, ummmm, shall we say, Well Sorted for E's and Wizz, so that song had slightly more significance that it possibly would have had this evening.

Guess I've grown up a bit. As has Jarvis.

He still bloody rocks though.

Sorted.

Matching

I had vowed (to myself... I rarely make my vows public anymore), that after last year's dismal number of blog posts that I would try and better the number of posts this year.

I have less than a month to do that and I need to do at least another 10 posts.

Best I get my arse into gear.

There are several topics I had wanted to cover, which for the sake of acting as a reminder to myself, I shall list here. They may be in my own personal shorthand, so don't worry if they don't make sense, they're purely for my benefit:

• Glee
• Patrick
• Schwinn vs Electra
• Four colour new colour
• Shiteley and Brears

That's all I can think of for the moment.

In the meantime, I've just started reading The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo... how good???

Stay tuned...