Be alarmed. Be very alarmed.

I received the following letter today in response to an email I fired off one drunken night last year to our beloved* PM, little Johnny.

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Dear Magical_M,

Thank you for your email of 3 November 2005 addressed to the Prime Minister, the Hon John Howard MP, concerning the new counter-terrorism laws. I am responding to your email because I am the Minister responsible for national security. (Really? YOU'RE in charge of national security? Holy fuck in a toaster).

The new counter-terrorism laws are the result of a concerted effort by Commonwealth, State and Territory Governments to create laws to better deter, prevent, detect and prosecute acts of terrorism. (...and get rid of the people that don't fit our model of a "pretty, white, wealthy Australia". I think you forgot to complete that sentence Phil.)

The Anti-Terrorism Act 2005 was passed by Federal Parliament on 3 November 2004. This Act clarifies that when proving someone is intending to commit a terrorist act it is not necessary for the prosecution to demonstrate an intention to commit a specific act. (You're ADMITTING that they don't need specific proof? So tell me, how the fuck do you prove that someone is INTENDING to commit a terrorist act??? HUH???) The more substantial Anti Terrorism Act (No. 2) 2005 was passed by Parliament on 7 December 2005. (What, there are two Acts? You forgot to add something the first time around?)

The new laws have been agreed to by State and Territory leaders and will be reviewed in five years. (Is that dependent on whether the more clueless members of our society are actually dumb enough to vote you lot in again at the next election, or have you made deals with the Opposition?) The preventative detention, control order and stop, question and search powers will sunset after ten years. (Sunset? What the?) State and Territory leaders are also enacting laws to give effect to preventative detention and stop, question and search powers in their particular jurisdictions. (Great. Give the States powers to lock people up because they look like they're intending to commit a terrorist act. I'm really keen to see how that will work in say, Queensland.)

In respect to your comments concerning the new sedition laws in Schedule 7 of the Anti-Terrorism Act (No. 2) 2005, I recently announced that the Government would refer these provision and the provisions in Part IIA of the Crimes Act 1914 to the Australian Law Reform Commission (ALRC) for inquiry and report pursuant to subsection 20(1) of the Australian Law Reform Commission Act 1996. The ALRC will report during 2006. (HUH? HUH??? All I asked is whether you lot would start an ASIO file on me or tap my phone, just because I called the PM something along the lines of a racist, narrow-minded, small-membered, f-word. A simple "yes" or "no" will suffice.

I have attached to this letter a detailed summary of the new laws and thank you for writing to the Government expressing your interest in this matter. (Interest... is that what you call it? I would call it outrage. Or disgust. I think "interest" is a bit tame)

Yours sincerely

Philip Ruddock
Attorney-General (Hang on Phil, I thought you said you were in charge of national security. You have time to be Attorney-General as well? Incidentally, what does an Attorney-General do? Do you have a job description or do you just kinda make it up as you go?)

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I haven't read the attachment Slimy Phil sent. I'm saving it for when I have insomnia. Or have to get all fired up for a role. Or run out of loo paper.

I must say though that I find it quite sad that it takes Slimy Phil six paragraphs to basically say:

"Ta for the email. We really don't give a fuck what you think, so get back in your box you lefty, artistic, bleeding heart bitch. We're watching you."


Think of the time he could save if he just got to the point.

And I wonder how much of my tax was spent on sending that letter out. I'm guessing at least $2.40 for the consumables (paper, printer ink, separate date stamp ink, envelope, stamp), maybe $7 for the time it took senior secretary to dictate it, $5 for the time it took the junior secretary to type it out, $3 for the time it took a senior secretary to proof-read it, another $4 for the time it took the junior secretary to make the corrections, another $2.50 for the senior secretary to check it again and then $1.50 for the junior secretary to date stamp it, attach the attachments, fold it, put it in an envelope and put it in the post tray? Not forgetting the mail room boy who would have had to frank the envelope and put it in the mail bag, plus the people at Australia Post... I'm thinking $25-$30?

I would have preferred that moula to go to the ABC thanks Phil. Remember that next time.

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* Of course I'm being facetious... I hate that little f***er.