Slacker

Yeah, I know, I've been a slacker on the blog front of late.

I've been suffering from a combination of (1) serious lack of inspiration; (2) busy schedule of work and rehearsals; plus (3) retarded internet.

On the point of (3) - is anyone else with Unwired? I'm having serious connection issues with them. Maybe its because I'm in a weird spot (near a train line, lots of electrical appliances nearby where the computer is), but this whole cutting out every ten minutes or so is really getting on my wig.

Anyway.

Number (1) is probably the major reason for non-blogging. I've run out of inspiration. Or if I am inspired to write something then chances are the internet isn't working, which makes it a combination of (1) and (3).

Hopeless.

Issue (2) is not particularly valid. I'm doing a Short & Sweet show next week, for which I've only had three rehearsals. Its a ten minute piece. I shouldn't panic that we've only had three rehearsals. It'll be fine. I just have to trust in myself.

I clearly don't. Trust in myself that is. I suffer from over-achiever-itis. Also known as perfectionism, coupled with sheer-laziness and fear-of-failure-so-do-the-least-amount-of-work-possible-then-go-into-panic-mode-the-day-before-tech.

Not a good combination when you're doing what is essentially a ten minute monologue interspersed with a few lines from another actor.

This is the first time in my acting career that I have been the lead.

Yes, I know its a ten minute piece.

But still. It's basically just me up there on the stage, yabbering on.

What if the audience hates me? What if I look out and they're sitting there bored out of their skulls, checking their watches and heaving big sighs as if to say "come the fuck on and finish you boring cow, you suck worse than Betty Boo when she got boo-ed off stage in Melbourne"?

No pun intended.

I can't deal with that.

Usually, I'm the comic relief character. The dorky support actor who makes the audience laugh and has lots of fun because the success/failure of a show never rests on my head.

I'm just not cut out to be leading material.

I don't know why I ever agreed to do this.

I am scared shitless.

And to make matters worse I don't fit into the costume I'm supposed to wear. This one. The pretty stripy one on the left. Which was originally designed for this woman, who has a waist the size of a cigarette.

Herbal diuretics and lettuce leaves have been my mainstay for the last four days. And I've done more laps of the pool than I've done in a year. Unfortunately none of that is working and the scales are making me cry.

And after being told this evening by a certain director (who directed the play that won this week's heat at S&S) that he'd read the script for the play I'm doing and thought that it was so difficult it would take a "seriously talented actress" to pull off the role, I'm starting to wonder if I should even bother.

I'll sleep on it and let you know.