Lollipops

This is a re-enactment of a phone call I had with an Old Friend a few days ago:

OF: Let's 'catch up' . How about Wednesday - shall we meet at Fox Studios? That's pretty central for both of us.

MM: Sure - suits me. The Farmer's Market will be on. I can sample lots of yummy food.

OF: Well... there's a great cafe called Lollipops which is kid-friendly - we can have a coffee and there's an area where SOOF* can play.

MM: Whatever. As long as I get to eat cheese.

So we meet at Fox Studios. And have a quick stroll around the Farmer's Markets tasting all the yummy things we have no intention of buying because they're so hideously overpriced. And OF gets excited because Wil Anderson is standing next to her taste testing lime flavoured olive oil. And I get excited because one of the stalls is selling cinnamon & raisin bagels, which are extremely difficult to find in Sydney.

Then we go to Lollipops.

Well.

Well.

*tries to think of a polite way to describe Lollipops*

*can't, so decides to go with initial reaction upon entering Lollipops*

F**K ME!! WHAT THE F**KING F**K IS THIS PLACE? WHAT A F**KING HIDEOUS, GOD-AWFUL, ZOO OF AN EXCUSE FOR A CAFE!

Lollipops is not a cafe. It is a long way from a cafe. It is basically an oversized McDonalds playground with a bad coffee machine.

There were hundreds of under-5's. Hundreds. And almost as bad, were their hideous mothers, who smiled benignly whilst their 2 year olds tried to tip their milkshakes over my feet.

No, benignly smiling mother. Your child is not cute. Your child is the devil. If you don't remove him/her from my personal space I will pick him/her up and throw him/her into the bouncy castle, milkshake and all.

SOOF threw a temper tantrum because he wanted a yellow wrist band. Apparently yellow wrist bands are not for his age group. His age group are only allowed blue wrist bands. But SOOF was determined. He didn't stop crying for a yellow wrist band for at least 40 minutes. The kid has stamina.

Then he discovered the bubble machine and all was well.

Under the bubble machine I discovered the "manouvere the claw thing to pick up a prize" machine and decided that I wanted the funky crayons for SOAF's^ toy box at my house. The machine was kinda neat, in that it let you keep trying until you grabbed something.

But although I spent half an hour trying, there was no way I could get the funky crayons. I got sidewalk chalk, a cap gun and a really ugly wallet, but just couldn't get the funky crayons.

I got bored and handed the controls over to SOOF. He wanted some truck thing. But he got a basketball hoop. For a kid with screaming stamina, he's easily pleased.

The music at Lollipops did my head in too. One minute they were playing The Beatles, the next they were playing the Inspector Gadget theme. Then they played David Bowie. Then they played The Wiggles.

Eventually, the odd combination of music, coupled with the screams and crying of the under-5's was starting to send me insane and when OF suggested we eat lunch there, I begged for mercy and a Croque Monsieur from the market stall which sells all food French.

An hour later, having eaten aforementioned Croque Monsier, purchased aforementioned cinnamon & raisin bagels, allowed SOOF to pick me out some yellow flowers to decorate my living room and endured yet another SOOF temper tantrum, I made my escape.

It was a good ten minutes before I stopped shaking long enough to start the car.

I don't think I'm ready for kids.

I know, at the age of 34, that I should be responding to the tick-tock of the biological clock, but I just seem to keep hitting that snooze button.

Places like Lollipops terrify me.
I don't want to ever have to take my children there but I know they will plead for it.

The Wiggles terrify me.
I don't want to ever have my children listening to one of their CDs but I know they will throw a tantrum if I don't play it over and over and over.

Kids having temper tantrums terrify me.
They don't listen to reason. They just scream until you want to start screaming back.

Plus, kids are exhausting.
After just 3 hours with SOOF I needed a nap. Imagine if I had one 24/7. Actually, no, I don't want to imagine.

I'm going to keep hitting that snooze button a while longer.

And enjoy the fact that I can sit here blogging, whilst listening to the CD of my choice, sipping a glass of red wine and nibbling on cheese and olives.

And enjoy the fact I don't have to get anyone's dinner and try to make them eat their vegetables. Or give them a bath which they'll just pee in. Or put them to bed when they clearly have no intention of going to sleep and will probably wake up crying at 3am.

Yep. I like my life the way it is. Sorry clock. I'm going to keep hitting that snooze button. In fact, you may just get unplugged altogether.

Maybe.

I still haven't decided.

And I just realised. OF and I didn't 'catch up'. We barely exchanged a full sentence the entire time we were out. We were too busy running around after SOOF.

That's no way to maintain a friendship.
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* Son Of Old Friend. Aged 3.
^ Son Of Another Friend. Aged almost 2.